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10 Things I Learned From Spring Breakers

Spring Breakers, the outrageous new vehicle from Harmony Korine (a guy in case you’re wondering — no really, it’s a guy; consult Google for more details), is a life-affirming, reflective, touching moving picture…

1. …And by touching, I mean all-hands-on-deck groping, tongues licking, breasts jiggling — or in other words, soft porn.

2. James Franco is flabbergastingly good. Seriously, this is the best acting he’s ever done. He’s a revelation, clearly revelling in every second of his character’s hedonistic, insane, hyper-criminal activity. He’s a man who’s worked hard (or is it hardly worked?) for his possessions, and he’s hell bent on illuminating the St. Petersburg night sky with all his shit. Earn hard, show hard playboy. What’s the point of having all that shit if you can’t demand that your guests look at it? Logic.

Alien Spring Breakers

3. The film has a hypnotic, dream-like air about it, heightened by Korine’s oddly transfixing decision to repeat several lines of dialogue back-to-back, underlining the nihilistic, memory-starved, drug-fuelled lifestyle it shines a light on. The cinematography and welding of certain frames together in a fluid, hazy manner is also extremely evocative, and at times, punishingly provocative.

4. The spectre of Britney Spears’ legacy, culturally and musically, looms large over the film, culminating in the best use of a Britney Spears ballad in the history of history.

5. I feel like I need an STI test after seeing this movie.

6. I’d forgotten how cool grills are. Since watching Spring Breakers, I’ve tricked out my upper teeth with platinum, and have an appointment next week to ice out my bottom ones with uncut rubies (my birthstone — holla Leo’s in the house!). I want to floss like Franco but I don’t want to physically floss anymore. I don’t have to with grills right?

Brit Brit Grillz Grillz

7. Skrillex and Cliff Martinez’s score suits the film perfectly. In particular, the opening scene marries sound and picture with anarchic aplomb.

8. There is absolutely and unequivocally no depth to any of the four lead female characters; by contrast, James Franco’s Alien is as layered and nuanced as Hamlet. Misogyny? Maybe. That or Franco’s just that good.

9. Spring Breakers shows us the best threesome between a human being and two inanimate objects ever, and no I’m not talking about Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson.

10. I’m extremely glad I never went to spring break…

Yet I can’t fathom an existence in which I didn’t experience Spring Breakers. Sprrang Brakke forever y’all.

Sprrang Brakkers

Over Fifty Years Later

I knelt down to tie her slightly scuffed saddle shoes. The laces had come undone as she skipped jauntily through the Midway. Toronto was beautiful, and so was she. The sky was clear as we drew near; a smile adorned her mouth and her welkin-blue eyes gleamed. It was a marvellous setting for a first date. It was just the beginning…

There it stood. It was majestic and mighty and right in front of us: The Flyer. Patty Conklin’s newest roller coaster was the talk of the Exhibition. To say she was excited would be a criminal understatement. She almost pulled my arm off as she moved us into line. I don’t think she stopped bouncing the entire wait – good, I thought, then maybe she wouldn’t notice my feeble attempt to stay calm. (My tight white T-shirt and dungarees represented the ideal, but James Dean I was not.)

We boarded, and I was nervous as hell. She, on the other hand, wore her giddy well. She wore everything well. We were off. I don’t know how fast it went, but I felt as though I’d been rocket-launched. As we twisted and turned, her auburn hair pranced in the wind, her face radiant as the sun serenaded it. I felt lucky. I would say that my heart fell into my lungs at the first precipitous drop, but it had already fallen, for her…

Over fifty years later, I still remember that day. The Flyer. My nervousness. Her eyes. My wife.